Paul Dunion, EdD

Unlike wounds of neglect and abuse, where the energy of the perpetrator is either absent or invasive, the wounding energy of emotional incest is stealth and difficult to track. The intrusive energy of the perpetrator is packaged in care and loving attention. It can be difficult to break into this care-package, revealing the expectations of affiliation, control and support issued by the perpetrator.

 

Being robbed of your childhood goes unnoticed as you feel so good about being chosen in a special way by an adult. You are invited to act as if you are capable of being in an adult relationship, being a friend, companion and confidant. Sometimes, even masquerading as a spouse.

 

Emotional incest typically takes place either where there is single parenting, or one spouse is either not willing or not able to emotionally or physically participate in the marriage. Rather than having an affair, the parent who has been left alone turns to the child for a range of emotional needs. These needs may include task collaboration, the need to be heard and understood, the need to feel supported during times of stress and the need for shared affection.

 

Let’s explore ways that emotional incest impacts development:

*The price tag for feeling special. The child often feels inadequate to fulfill an adult’s expectations for a mutual relationship. Another price is the resentment of the other parent for taking his or her place. Resentment can also be felt by siblings.

 

*Feelings of guilt. The emotionally incested child often feels guilty for not being able to meet the adult’s expectations. It’s only too easy for the guilt to flow into adulthood, with a nagging feeling of not being able to get life right.

 

*Perfectionism. There is often the compensation of perfectionism as a way to cope with not feeling good enough.

 

*Confusion about limits. Due to the desire to please the perpetrator, children can pretend they can meet the adult’s needs, leaving them confused about their limits.

 

*Role confusion. There is a distortion of the parent-child relationship where the clarity of the parent giving and the child receiving is lost. In adulthood there can remain confusion about who holds authority and when being peers is actually available.

 

*Weak Boundaries. Because the role distortion creates a violation of authority, the child feels responsible for the perpetrator. This can result in long term confusion about what constitutes a peer relationship and one where one person holds more responsibility. There can be confusion about when it’s appropriate to say “No” when being the recipient of certain expectations and invitations.

 

*Enmeshment. There is a tendency to see the value of a relationship as the level of connection to the other person and not to oneself. Emotional incest survivors often feel guilty when prioritizing their own needs.

 

*Confusion about power. There’s confusion about what constitutes abuse of power as well as abdication of power. There’s a need to learn about holding power in order to support personal efficacy as well as empowering others rather than enabling.

 

          Repair for the Emotional Incest Survivor

 

*Getting honest. It can be challenging to be honest about the dark side of such a loving parent and the implications of such a relationship.

 

*Getting beyond feelings of betrayal. As you get clear about your emotional incest story, it can be easy to feel as if you’re betraying the perpetrator. Honesty does not mean issuing a moral indictment to the perpetrator. They likely believed they were simply creating a stronger bond with you.

 

*Letting go of an attachment to being special. This can be a challenging task as we all want to be special. However, self-righteousness often haunts being special and with it, the inability to value our ordinariness. Important healing accompanied by humility can happen as you shift from being special to being unique.

 

*Healing trust. Perpetrators gained certain leverage as children trust them. Hence, it is important to have people earn your trust and not give it indiscriminately. Because a person is a relative, friend or authority figure in your life does not entail them to be automatically trusted. We offer trust based upon two beliefs: does the person tell you the truth and are they kind to you? There’s also the growing self-trust where you believe you will allow yourself to know your own truth and treat yourself kindly.

 

*Learning to identify and employ effective boundaries. Survivors can begin to identify permeable boundaries (allows a good deal to pass through), non-permeable boundaries (allows little or nothing to pass through), and semi-permeable boundaries (discernment determines how much should be allowed through). Permeable boundaries are typically appropriate when trust is high and non-permeable when trust is low. Semi-permeable suggest it could lean either way depending upon the trust that is decided upon.

 

Emotional incest is quite often inter-generational. Perpetrators were likely victims of emotional incest. As you attend to the repair of your own wounding, you likely interrupt the possibility that you would become a perpetrator, thus ending the incestuous generational pattern.