I have committed to bringing what I refer to as more Hermetic energy into my life. Hermes was the messenger, able to deliver communiqué from the gods to humans as well as information from mortals to the Divine. We can utilize this divine messenger as a metaphor. The spirit of Hermes lives as we allow for the flow of information to travel from our hearts to our minds and back again. I have wondered if I would be able to translate abstract concepts into embodied thoughts, ideas that could be emotionally felt and ease into action. The test of my ability to decipher abstract considerations in such a manner came in response to the curiosity of Faith, my 12-year-old granddaughter.
The Betrayal of Manhood
“Boy, it’s time for you to die!” proclaims an indigenous Chief flanked by tribal elders dressed in their ritualistic garb, about to address an American boy whom they found lost in the jungle and raised. (From the film ‘The Emerald Forest’, based upon a true story.) An unspoken tragedy of our times is that it is extremely unlikely that a teenager will hear the words of the Chief, and then be mentored into manhood by elders. Instead, it is likely that the instruments of mass media will deliver a deathblow to the emotional maturity of many American males – “You don’t have to die as a boy. There’s no need for you to face the challenges of emotional maturation.”
The Quiet Wound
Unlike wounds resulting from physical or sexual abuse where the invasive energy is blatant, the wounding energy of Emotional Incest is stealthy and very difficult to track. The intrusive psychic energy of the perpetrator is packaged in care and attention. It can be quite challenging to break into this care-package and reveal the expectations and needs of affiliation, control, love and understanding on behalf of the perpetrator. Being robbed of one’s childhood hardly goes noticed as the child feels so good about being chosen in a special way by an adult. The child is invited to act as if they are capable of being in an adult relationship.
Developmental Trauma and Boundaries Supporting a Well Lived Life
Trauma can be defined as the experience of an unregulated nervous system due to the violation of a physical, sexual or emotional boundary. An unregulated nervous system tends to constrict thinking, feeling and acting. Developmental trauma is the result of repeated violations throughout childhood. It leaves violated individuals confused about how to support their own safety. They typically employ childhood strategies to attempt to secure safety in adulthood. These techniques include hypervigilance, physical and/or emotional isolation, and fusion or merger with others.
Seeking the Sacred
An ancient definition of the word sacred is “confirming what truly matters”. Obviously, it’s always a good time to confirm what truly matters. However, the Winter Solstice ushering in diminished light, Christmas, Hanukkah and an end of the year review may be a fitting time to confirm what truly matters. I recommend suspending some probing analysis as a beginning place. Instead, bring your focus to the moment, noticing what lies there that may truly matter. In the absence of worry, fear and regret, all of which point you toward the future and past, you may find yourself embraced by the warmth of the moment. From the interior, there may be gratitude for a single breath, the relaxation of a clenched jaw, shoulders losing an unnecessary lift, breath that is willing to fill your lungs and some act of letting go long over-due. On the outside, the moment shows you the beauty of a winter sunset, a friend whose care touches you, gentle white lights illuminating a dark night, snow flakes blanketing naked trees and the smile of a child greeting life as a close friend. Add to your list of what truly matters in that moment, the person you are; the one who seeks the sacred. Let that be your resting place.
Returning to the Light
Once darkness descends, it can be very difficult to return to the light. Darkness comes when you feel forgotten by those you deeply hoped would remember you. Darkness comes when loss arrives seemingly indifferent about the removal of your health or a loved one succumbing to illness or injury. Darkness comes when a cherished belief withers, casting a deep shadow of disillusionment. Darkness comes when you are lost, stripped of your best sensibilities, no longer able to find home.
Radical Parenting
Radical Parenting
There is a strong distinction between effective parenting and radical parenting. We can think about effective parenting including: providing safety and continuity to a child’s life, offering encouragement, acknowledgement of a child’s emotional experience, holding authority with clear boundaries that are neither abusive nor reflecting abdication, supplying logical consequences for unacceptable behavior, addressing a child’s behavior as unacceptable and not the child’s character and the use of “I messages” that communicate that the parent has some unmet need in regard to the child’s behavior.
A Blessing for Shyness
Shyness has been greatly misunderstood with insinuations of a missing courage and a loss of spirit. I have always found shyness to be trustworthy, lacking in pretense, with no striving to impress. However, the trustworthiness of shyness far exceeds what it doesn’t do. I’m thankful to say that after years of turning away and toward my own shyness and that of others, I’ve been touched more deeply by the yielding and retiring nature of being shy:
When leading, it won’t forget who’s following.
It won’t allow you to rush somewhere you don’t belong.
BOUNDARIES AND THE HEALING OF DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA
Trauma can be defined as an unregulated nervous system due to the violation of a physical, sexual or emotional boundary. An unregulated nervous system tends to constrict thinking, feeling and acting. Developmental trauma is the result of repeated violations throughout childhood. It leaves violated individuals confused about how to support their own safety. These individuals typically employ childhood strategies to attempt to secure safety in adulthood. These techniques include hypervigilance, physical and/or emotional isolation.
Hypervigilance is an overactive monitoring of the immediate environment. It operates under the illusion that some potential violation can be detected and avoided. Not only is it exhausting, but also it is inefficient as a reliable warning system. It also distances one’s focus from bodily messages often informed by instinct, which is likely carried in our DNA and inherited as far back as from the Saber Tooth Tiger.
Emotional isolation works, in that we simply do not allow others to know what is wanted and what is felt emotionally. It is a form of boundary. This strategy is based upon the assumption that if others don’t know what clients want or feel, they can’t be hurt or rejected. Of course, in order to prevent some wish or emotion from spilling out, they numb them, keeping them anonymous even to themselves. The result is that they are severely relationally impaired. They cannot genuinely participate in relationships. They can neither collaborate with others nor create some semblance of real emotional intimacy. Friendship remains a remote possibility.
The purpose of physical isolation is to prevent others from accessing them in any way. It does operate as a much-needed boundary, but it is so non-permeable, that being relational is no longer a possibility. Hidden away behind an impenetrable wall, the individual mistakenly decides they are safe, immune from danger and loss. However, love, friendship, intimacy and interpersonal growth are serious losses.
It is common for therapists treating Developmental Trauma to help clients recover their natural relationship to instinct where safety can be maximized. The therapist will encourage the client to focus on bodily messages when deciding to connect with someone or join others. The problem is that when the client has employed physical isolation for years, the somatic message likely heard will be, “don’t go” and “don’t join”. The client’s body will simply report what is most familiar. The client will certainly be employing a boundary, ironically, one that seriously prevents learning about the nuances of good boundaries.
Before suggesting that the client needs to check in with his or her body regarding getting involved with others, I recommend asking the following questions: Do you believe in the event that you are considering attending? Do you believe people will gain something positive by attending? Do you believe you might gain something positive? Would you recommend the event to family and friends? If clients do not feel drawn because the event holds no real meaning for them or is contrary to their values, then, not attending is a really good boundary. If clients respond in the affirmative to the above questions, then seriously consider recommending that the client attend the event in question. A popular client response to such a suggestion is: “I’ll probably get triggered when I’m there!” Such a response translates to shallow breathing, sweating palms, anxiety, muscle tightness, etc. My response to my clients is, “Life is about getting triggered and learning to ground and calm yourself down”.
I then suggest practicing the skills we have been working on while attending the event. Such as saying “No” and “Yes” appropriately to different aspects of the event that appeal or do not appeal to you. Use your eyes to orient. It is important to learn how to track internal sensations and to spread emotions throughout the body, not allowing an emotion to anchor in any one place, and employ breathing techniques that support calming. Sit or stand where you are most comfortable or take a short walk outdoors to support grounding. Following the event, take a personal inventory of how effective you were at self-care. Be honest, congratulating yourself for the successes and clarifying the areas needing practice.
Survivors of Developmental Trauma automatically employ boundaries (physical and emotional isolation) in order to cope with internal tremors such as anxiety, shallow breathing, nausea, muscle tension, joint pain and headaches. However, isolation does not help clients to learn to live the life they were meant to live.
Boundaries are words and actions aimed at separating us from what may be harmful, distasteful or unwanted. They are meant to support our choices to be safe and prevent what we love and appreciate from being interrupted. Effective boundaries help to bring more meaning and depth to a life well lived.
The Heart’s Fool
It was inevitable, right from the beginning. My original home, tucked away, gently resting in the cavern of my mother’s belly, with her waters protecting me from harm. And then the push, a push I will experience throughout my life in so many different ways. Urging me forward toward an unwelcome separation and a broken heart.
The weeks and months that followed saw me seeking that original unity. I longed for a soft gaze, filled with warmth and welcome, for a tender touch or to be held close to a beating heart. I longed for closeness, longing for the bliss that maternal waters once held. Again and again reminded there was to be no return.