Friendship is the place where our hearts are touched

and moved. Moved toward some depth of feeling

and insight. Moved toward some new courage ushering

me closer to a risk that has been waiting for me.

My friend remembers himself in my presence,

assuring me that distractions will be minimal.

My friend remembers me, and in this collective

remembering, I am wrapped in belonging.

The fear of remembering myself peels away. 

I, once again, find residence in my own soul.

Fear’s grip begins to atrophy and I offer a welcome

The same contractions that pushed and nudged you from the comfort and repose of your mother’s womb will again and again announce the presence of some threshold awaiting you. May you be received with welcome whenever you dare to be born again.

That initial incubation was meant to prepare you for something larger. You were, from your conception, destined to be a seeker—pilgrimaging to ever-larger worlds. These crossings will sometimes be held up with excitement and anticipation and, at other times, weighed down with the energies of fear and ambivalence.

Contrary to popular opinion, the arduous work of living in integrity has little or nothing to do with being moral.  It’s not about right and wrong. It’s about who you are. It’s about growing up.  It’s about leaving home enough times to know what are your personal values, rather than believing in something because you were told to. It’s about risking to know and to live your passions, uncertain whether others will find your choices to be honorable.  After all that, it means learning to bear the tension that will inevitably befall you when your values and your heart’s desire are polarized, or when you are choosing between two conflicting values.

I have committed to bringing what I refer to as more Hermetic energy into my life. Hermes was the messenger, able to deliver communiqué from the gods to humans as well as information from mortals to the Divine.  We can utilize this divine messenger as a metaphor. The spirit of Hermes lives as we allow for the flow of information to travel from our hearts to our minds and back again. I have wondered if I would be able to translate abstract concepts into embodied thoughts, ideas that could be emotionally felt and ease into action.  The test of my ability to decipher abstract considerations in such a manner came in response to the curiosity of Faith, my 12-year-old granddaughter.

“Boy, it’s time for you to die!” proclaims an indigenous Chief flanked by tribal elders dressed in their ritualistic garb, about to address an American boy whom they found lost in the jungle and raised.  (From the film ‘The Emerald Forest’, based upon a true story.)  An unspoken tragedy of our times is that it is extremely unlikely that a teenager will hear the words of the Chief, and then be mentored into manhood by elders. Instead, it is likely that the instruments of mass media will deliver a deathblow to the emotional maturity of many American males – “You don’t have to die as a boy. There’s no need for you to face the challenges of emotional maturation.”

Unlike wounds resulting from physical or sexual abuse where the invasive energy is blatant, the wounding energy of Emotional Incest is stealthy and very difficult to track. The intrusive psychic energy of the perpetrator is packaged in care and attention. It can be quite challenging to break into this care-package and reveal the expectations and needs of affiliation, control, love and understanding on behalf of the perpetrator. Being robbed of one’s childhood hardly goes noticed as the child feels so good about being chosen in a special way by an adult. The child is invited to act as if they are capable of being in an adult relationship.

Trauma can be defined as the experience of an unregulated nervous system due to the violation of a physical, sexual or emotional boundary.  An unregulated nervous system tends to constrict thinking, feeling and acting. Developmental trauma is the result of repeated violations throughout childhood. It leaves violated individuals confused about how to support their own safety.  They typically employ childhood strategies to attempt to secure safety in adulthood.  These techniques include hypervigilance, physical and/or emotional isolation, and fusion or merger with others. 

An ancient definition of the word sacred is “confirming what truly matters”.  Obviously, it’s always a good time to confirm what truly matters.  However, the Winter Solstice ushering in diminished light, Christmas, Hanukkah and an end of the year review may be a fitting time to confirm what truly matters.  I recommend suspending some probing analysis as a beginning place. Instead, bring your focus to the moment, noticing what lies there that may truly matter. In the absence of worry, fear and regret, all of which point you toward the future and past, you may find yourself embraced by the warmth of the moment. From the interior, there may be gratitude for a single breath, the relaxation of a clenched jaw, shoulders losing an unnecessary lift, breath that is willing to fill your lungs and some act of letting go long over-due. On the outside, the moment shows you the beauty of a winter sunset, a friend whose care touches you, gentle white lights illuminating a dark night, snow flakes blanketing naked trees and the smile of a child greeting life as a close friend.  Add to your list of what truly matters in that moment, the person you are; the one who seeks the sacred. Let that be your resting place. 

Once darkness descends, it can be very difficult to return to the light. Darkness comes when you feel forgotten by those you deeply hoped would remember you.  Darkness comes when loss arrives seemingly indifferent about the removal of your health or a loved one succumbing to illness or injury. Darkness comes when a cherished belief withers, casting a deep shadow of disillusionment. Darkness comes when you are lost, stripped of your best sensibilities, no longer able to find home. 

Radical Parenting

There is a strong distinction between effective parenting and radical parenting. We can think about effective parenting including: providing safety and continuity to a child’s life, offering encouragement, acknowledgement of a child’s emotional experience, holding authority with clear boundaries that are neither abusive nor reflecting abdication, supplying logical consequences for unacceptable behavior, addressing a child’s behavior as unacceptable and not the child’s character and the use of “I messages” that communicate that the parent has some unmet need in regard to the child’s behavior.